Onward.

The first day of 2014. I’ve lined up a challenge for myself in the second week of the new year, but its brought itself forward by 3 days. Challenge indeed. Here’s to a better personal performance (competency, efficiency, etc) if i bag this challenge. Everything works out when there is faith.

Also, here’s to being a better person. Better, so that I deserve the love I’ve been receiving. Better, so that I can give back to those who have been giving to me.

Travels.

5 holiday trips in 2013, a total of 20 days spent outside of Singapore.

Every trip was memorable, every trip was different. Every trip taught me something:

  • When traveling with family - no wait. Scrap that. When traveling with anyone (groups of 4 or more) - be sure to leave some alone time to soak in the local culture. Even a short afternoon at a quaint cafe after a bit of walking around works.
  • Make sure you iron out whatever things that are bugging you, or questions, way way wayyy before the trip.
  • Have ample rest before a trip lasting at least a week. Enough rest isn’t enough, you need to be brimming with energy.
  • Make sure you know the people you’re going away with, really really well.
  • Know how they tend to behave sober, drunk, and everything between.
  • Know how they tend to behave when you’re sober, drunk, and everything between.
  • If you’re not okay with the person/ people before that, don’t agree on another trip together.
  • Trips with loved ones are the best and never long enough. Ever.

Not sure if the schedule allows, but here’s to more traveling and seeing the world in 2014!

Aspects of Life. V

About Personal Life and Family Life:

With every cloud there is a silver lining. I spent my 2013 loving and being well loved.

Research has shown that it is more rewarding to spend time with loved ones than acquaintances or people we are not close to. So that’s exactly what I did.

Of course where there is interaction, there is friction. But it’s how we convert that heat energy into the beautiful sparks we need and so desperately want (please don’t say you don’t, you know you do).

There’s nothing much to add on, except that if there’s one thing I did right this year, it’s this. <3

Aspects of Life. IV

About Social Life:

2013 has been a year of trimming and pruning. I noticed that I began to change, in my ways of surviving in the social context. I used to flourish in large social gatherings, where i talk and laugh and make others laugh. Don’t get me wrong, I still love to do that, to make people around me happy. But I’ve understood how it is spiritually (not just in the religious context) and psychologically more rewarding, to be with people close to the heart.

Since a few years back, I’ve always felt drained having to keep up with oh-so-many people around me, trying to juggle everyone all the time. It wasn’t that they weren’t worth it, it was the exact opposite: I had decided that each and every one of my friends were equally worth it. I tried to keep everyone happy, I stretched myself thin.

At the end of 2012, i wrote that i would let every single person that I cared about know that I cared. I didn’t write any letters, I didn’t send any mushy texts. I didn’t draft any emails, and I didn’t call to tell them so. I made an afford to spend time together with them, and I hope they felt it.

I can’t say whether I’ve done a good job of it, but I know i’ve tried. 

To old friends: let’s keep the years counting.

To new friends: may the friendship we have grow into something beautiful.

Aspects of Life. III

About School Life:

The route that I am on now… was my last resort. I applied to major universities, both locally and overseas. I gained acceptance into a few overseas schools, but of course my family was unable to let me study so far away (loans were out of the question).

Eventually I landed myself into SIM University. Studying part-time while I continue my experience-hunting. And between Psychology and Social Work, i picked the latter. For the more obvious and practical reasons.

Side note: But truth be told, i still do have a passion in learning theories and discussing research. It’s just the actual research… not so much. I’m sure I’ve ended up here for a very good reason. I believe that, and I know that. I might not have had such a fruitful year had I gone abroad to further my studies. And I’m thankful.

At this point, I’m just done with the first of six semesters (already counting down to Convocation 2016), so wish me lucky for the rest of this treacherous path! Although my main agenda is to get the bachelor’s and wave it above my head wherever i go, I am also looking forward to my final year where i’ll get to experience being an intern again.

The exam periods though… thats a whole different story.

Aspects of Life. II

About Work Life:

Having just read through my posts from last Christmas, I realize now that I’ve settled. And procrastinated. And wallowed in some form of self-pity throughout the span of the past 371 days. I remember feeling sick and tired of what I was doing, I remember telling myself to do something about it. But the days became weeks, weeks became months. In June I remember telling myself “no more”. And then they had to go ahead and announce a “special bonus” meant to reward everyone’s hard work for the year. The bait was split into two parts, meant for July and December. I felt for the bait, but was still constantly questioning myself.

This conflict didn’t make me move my ass to do something about it, but instead, it froze me. There was no trigger to jolt me awake. I became complacent, and I didn’t put in 100% of my attention at work. I’m not proud, to say the least, of admitting this, but I didn’t like that about myself at all, and I hated myself for not doing anything about it.

I started to make myself think of what is it that i really want. The idea of youth work didn’t leave my mind for one second up until this point. The current work i was doing made me (inevitably) pessimistic about the future. Life for people around me, life for loved ones, life for myself, didn’t seem at least bit appealing when what lie’s at the end for all of us is the same.

I may have faith that God is waiting for us on the other side with everlasting life, but the truth? When I see lifeless bodies limp in the living room of a rental flat, I have no idea where their soul goes to, or if there is even a part of them that leaves their physical body.

I don’t like it.

I didn’t get PTSD, I have just decided that I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my career. Look out for change.

Aspects of Life. I

2013 has ended, its time again to look back on the past year and then look forward to whatever challenges and blessings lie ahead. i stepped in 2013 with apprehension and my guard up. I didn’t like apprehension (and i still don’t like it now). But, as time waits for no man (nor woman), I had to go with the flow, not knowing where it will lead me.

Having survived the year of the snake, I look back on the different parts of my life. Parts were added, parts were removed. Work life, school life, social life, personal life, family life.

Here’s my year’s worth of life, in review.

It’s painful and I hurt.

This.

This hurt I feel in the chest cavity. I never thought it was real. Until now. It’s real and it hasn’t gone away yet.

i want my love to be enough for you. but i don’t think it is, even though you might not know it.

What’s going on?

Am I making things worse?

11:11.

11:17.

I deleted everything i just typed here.

I stand down.

void.

Threads in my mind,

floating loosely.

Thoughts formed inside,

incomplete.

Time to work it out.

The unsaid things.

You know how sometimes there are things that you can’t talk about? Information that goes to your brain through your eyes and ears but that aren’t supposed to come back up via your mouth.

I hate those, but having those mean something special. It could very well be one-sided, but just let me enjoy it for a while. Selfish, I know.

The little things.

Sometimes the equilibrium we feel might not be equilibrium at all. Sometimes it’s just not falling apart yet.

Was given another reminder about this during reunion dinner. Noticed out of the corner of my eye that there was a pack of rice of an unfamiliar brand. Mother then told me that she’s been buying that brand for some time now. A few years, to be more specific.

I happened to be on my phone at the time, so that just made the moment more impactful. The same thing happened the other time, during one of my runs.

We need to keep ourselves in check for balance. And when we lose track of that, we will receive reminders. If (or when) the reminders turn ugly, you know it’s time to take a 180-degree turn IMMEDIATELY.

Need to pay more attention to those nearer to home, literally. Thankful for another reminder.