It’s painful and I hurt.
This hurt I feel in the chest cavity. I never thought it was real. Until now. It’s real and it hasn’t gone away yet.
i want my love to be enough for you. but i don’t think it is, even though you might not know it.
What’s going on?
Am I making things worse?
I deleted everything i just typed here.
I stand down.
Threads in my mind,
Thoughts formed inside,
Time to work it out.
The unsaid things.
You know how sometimes there are things that you can’t talk about? Information that goes to your brain through your eyes and ears but that aren’t supposed to come back up via your mouth.
I hate those, but having those mean something special. It could very well be one-sided, but just let me enjoy it for a while. Selfish, I know.
The little things.
Sometimes the equilibrium we feel might not be equilibrium at all. Sometimes it’s just not falling apart yet.
Was given another reminder about this during reunion dinner. Noticed out of the corner of my eye that there was a pack of rice of an unfamiliar brand. Mother then told me that she’s been buying that brand for some time now. A few years, to be more specific.
I happened to be on my phone at the time, so that just made the moment more impactful. The same thing happened the other time, during one of my runs.
We need to keep ourselves in check for balance. And when we lose track of that, we will receive reminders. If (or when) the reminders turn ugly, you know it’s time to take a 180-degree turn IMMEDIATELY.
Need to pay more attention to those nearer to home, literally. Thankful for another reminder.
One more week ‘til the end of January.
All the fluffy clouds and rainbows and unicorns that I’d expected to see in 2013… hasn’t appeared yet. Things haven’t been going the way i’d personally want them to go, but then again, that shouldn’t happen. Otherwise you’ll all be doomed. LOL I KID.
It’s another of those times when I need a hell lot of reminding that I’m as blessed as I think I am.
Stop and smell the roses.
Change is happening, whether we like it or not. Inside us, and everywhere around us. I find myself seeking solace in books again. I find myself valuing time to myself more and more. Riding on that, I’ve been reflecting on many things (t’is the season for repentance! HAHA).
I do know that i’m flawed in many ways, probably even in the ways that I’ve not noticed myself. And I’m deeply grateful to all the people who have stood by me (whether reluctantly or not), through times of whiny whines and ranty rants and angsty angst.
Looking forward this time.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, is that there are some things that are best left unshared on social networking sites. But coming back from this last trip gave me somewhat a rude awakening. You’ll find out soon enough about what it is.
Looking back at the past year, despite so many things happening, I’ve left most of it to God. Most, not all. Most of it was letting go and letting God do His work in me, through me, and around me. But I interrupted some of it by resenting a good chunk of what He was doing to me. And of course I’m feeling the effects. So in a bid to guide myself back on track, I’m going to make some resolutions.
Haven’t had the habit of making new year resolutions, so I’ll start my own tradition of Christmas ones:
- to spend more time with loved ones
- do things for the sake of interest, not just for the sake of doing ‘em
- tell each friend how they are special to me (everyone must be looking forward to this)
- be more daring in stepping up
Let’s start with a short list, shall we?
How I decided to head to India with a bunch of people that i didn’t know was a little… odd. One day in October I was told that a friend’s friend was planning a trip to Bodhgaya, India. I told myself to think about it, and then found myself agreeing shortly after. The next few days were spent cursing to myself (joke).
The group I found myself with, didn’t leave a huge impression at first. Everyone seemed to know everyone else, and so i laid back. It was when the trip really began that we turned from a group into a team. At least, that’s how I felt. It might be one-sided.
The entire trip lasted about five days, but we were only with the two schools for 3 days. It was short, but it was good while it lasted. What was most valuable for me this trip, is not the interaction with the kids. That was awesome, but what was even more priceless was all the late-night sharing sessions we had, ten people camped in one hotel room.
The common debate we all had, despite coming from different professions and areas of specialization, was whether trips like this benefitted people like us or people like them more (this sounds like ostracism, but you get the idea). I can’t say that I have an answer myself.
They say the only true international language is our emotions. Happiness, sadness, frustration, can all be shown on our faces, and another person would be able to understand. I’ve noticed that it is in the “advanced” countries that people have learnt to hide their emotions, and that’s where the true communication breakdown lies. Why destroy/ hide something our Creator blessed us with? Turns out that true communication remains back in these countries we label as “less fortunate” or “third-world”. That’s something to think about.
I guess that’s why human work is so interesting. If we only need to be concerned with tangible needs, like food and roofs over our heads, things would be much more straightforward. The element of Human, the psyche, the unknowns brings spice to our lives. Then comes the question of how we can bring it forward to others.
This trip has not given me answers, but instead more questions. It’s a good thing, for as we all know, questions leave us hungry for more. A full glass will just overflow if we keep pouring into it.
An add-on: I believe that everyone is put into our lives for a purpose, be it for us or for that other person. This holds true not just to the kids and adults we met in India, but also to this team of awesome people that I met.
Let’s take time to find out what our purpose is.
The beginning of 2012 was a sneaky one. It came in the midst of essay-writing and assignment-rushing. I think I speak for all my peers when i say that we only felt the new year was upon us when respite came in the form of our last lectures and tutorials.
One week into the all-fun-no-homework lifestyle, I was suddenly stirred by the thought that I have a chance of getting an early start in the career direction I wanted to head in, since there was a gaping amount of free time before the projected date that i further my studies (I’ll come back to that “projected date” later).
I didn’t know where to begin my hunt for opportunities, being a young graduate with no close connections with people working in this sector (small as it is). So I did the next best thing, tell my friends about my plans. As lucky would have it, one of my friends told me of a place she knew was hiring. Application ensued, and I told the interviewers that my passion was (and is) working with youths. “We’ll call you back”.
And call they did, but to offer me a position that involved working with elderly. Sometime between the interview and the phone call, I asked God what was it that he wanted for me? I knew social work is the way to go, but then comes the challenge of serving which age group. my favorite two words comes up: different needs. I don’t think I can satisfy needs of certain groups. So when the call came, I asked for the weekend to ponder over it. Working with elderly… It needed patience, more than what I thought I could offer. On top of that, speaking in dialects was going to be a tall wall to climb.
Remembering that God not answering our questions doesn’t mean he’s answering “no” , just that it’s not time to answer yet, or probably he wants us to find out for ourselves, i called back the following monday to accept the offer.
Subsequently, after a few months, I was given different work to do (still with elderly clients). I’m grateful for all the exposure I got from this job, but I’ve grown to see both the good and bad side of having bureaucracy in the sector. I think many would agree when I say we’re tired of “red-tape” and whatnot, but we cannot deny that the same system gives us order and law to work with. And it does make things more efficient.
Close to 9 months in eldercare, with complains and rolling eyes and angst and whines, I noticed that I might have lost track of why I stepped in in the first place. And then I thought a short break from the hustle and bustle might be all i need to recharge, and to pick up where I left off with Him…